I have finally “come out of the closet”. A couple of days ago I broke up with the man I was seeing for a few weeks and officially came out to my family.
For years every relationship with a man felt forced, like I was on autopilot, and I felt as though something was missing or not quite right. I came out as bisexual a few years ago and continued seeing men because women terrified me! I was too scared to talk to them in person and every woman I felt a connection with online ended up being a man in disguise. So I stopped trying. However, that terrified feeling didn’t happen when meeting men for dates. I didn’t feel much of anything around them and considered this “normal”. But when I looked back at the fear of women and thought about what it truly meant, maybe I wasn’t scared of women. They actually just made me nervous. That the fear was actually a good sign? It was a relief and a weird thought at the same time. But since then, and after saying the words out loud, I have felt so much lighter!
I’ve expanded my reading material from not just horror and thriller novels but lesbian chick flicks. I take more notice of YouTube videos supporting the LGBTQ+ community, and I’m kinder to myself! I don’t have the chaos of confusion in my head at night (I now have university work instead), I’m more aware of my appearance – not for other peoples benefit but I’m aware of how much of a slump I was in! I used to take baths with bath bombs, put on a little makeup sometimes (I’m autistic and makeup feels like wearing a face mask so if I do wear makeup I like a little mascara and lip-balm) and eat better foods. All of this had changed. I used to run, I was a beginner but I was trying and that had stopped too!
Now I want to take better care of myself, focus on myself, focus on my PhD, and build myself back up to how I used to be. I want to love myself again, and now I feel like I can. All of me!