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About Me…

One in one hundred people, in the UK, are autistic. Within those numbers there are a few individuals who are also part of the LGBT community, like me. Although the LGBT community is being more openly discussed and accepted over time, what is it like being an autistic who also lives with the anxiety of being gay, bisexual, or the term I prefer: queer (as it seems to cover just about everything). I didn’t receive my ASD diagnosis until I was 28, and all through my teenage years I was confused about who I was, what I wanted in life and where I was going. I was severely bullied throughout secondary school, so I kept my sexuality to myself. I was already struggling to make friends, and keep them, to focus on my work due to the disruption of chairs being thrown at teachers (the school I went to is not recommended), and pretty much just being me in particular. Back then I didn’t really know myself all that well, nor what I wanted.
I had one friend, I can’t necessarily say she was a good friend, she dumped me when she got a boyfriend and called me in tears when he broke up with her. It was a vicious circle which had us at each other’s throats more than once. I was frustrated with how she was treating me. A best friend shouldn’t drop you, and disappear, just because a new boy comes along. And there were many that came along throughout our time at school. Looking back, I suppose the reason I was so angry was plain old jealousy. She was pretty and I had a crush on her. Which now makes a lot of sense, especially to my poor mum who played referee often. I simply just didn’t want to say anything to anyone about how I felt because I was being bullied enough already without my sexuality getting in the way as well.
I came out to my parents a couple of years ago (finally!) and it was the most liberating and biggest relief of my life. I finally had told them I was bisexual and soon enough everyone knew. But it did come as a shock for my then boyfriend who had seen me as straight for the last five years. I finally felt comfortable to come out of the ‘closet’. However, my relationship wasn’t the same. My ex-boyfriend would lecture me on looking, or commenting, on women I saw on TV and in the street. Telling me that he was the man and I had to keep quiet because it was ‘weird’ or ‘just wrong’. I think at this time I realised our relationship was on a downward slope, and eventually, due to unforeseen circumstances which had nothing to do with my sexuality but with him being a very unkind person, I left him and moved back in with my parents. He wasn’t the person I thought he was, even after two years of him knowing about my sexuality. He didn’t love me for me, and no one should be somewhere they feel unhappy and unaccepted.
Nowadays I’m happy! I’m single, starting a Master’s in Psychology in September 2019 and have a future which I’m hoping will work out. I love my sexuality, I love my family and I love my dogs! (who doesn’t love dogs!) I’ve even come out now as Queer rather than Bisexual because I am more attracted to women than men, and me being someone who isn’t a fan of labels, and have no idea what I would call that, I decided Queer suits me pretty well because sexuality is fluid and labels (you don’t have to have one by the way), are just a way for you to identify yourself to others in the community.
Once my Master’s is complete, I plan on continuing onto a PhD to obtain a doctorate so I can work in research for autism in women and sexuality. Also, if I can, build my own therapy practice to help those like me.
I believe more awareness, understanding and education in these issues is needed so society may start accepting those who are different, and see them as a community of hardworking, beautiful individuals who are just as human as anyone else.
In this blog I will be sharing information, my thoughts and feelings on issues I find and research. I will also add findings throughout my studies which I hope will be useful to you, beautiful reader! Welcome to my blog!

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First week of University….

I have been so busy it’s unreal. I’ve had reading to do in my spare time and any free time I do have I’m busy doing something to relax my brain. So being able to sit down and write something, anything, is amazing to me.

So, this week has been a mix of excitement and complete anxiety. Not at the work but at the environment. Being autistic I find it hard to be in an unfamiliar environment with people I don’t know. It makes me feel a little paranoid, anxious and I end up biting my nails to the wick or, if I have no nails because I’ve bitten them all already, I pick the skin around them until they bleed. Even though I’ve had my sensory toys with me everywhere I still find I am picking my fingers til they are sore.

A couple of the group have spoken to me. Me being me, I only speak when spoken to and I try to be as ‘neurotypical’ as possible. Mimicking I seem to do without thinking about it: eye contact, smiling and rambling is just a few of the traits I show when one to one with someone. Within a group I go mute, which I’ve done repeatedly this week during group work. I hate group work.

The classes themselves are actually really interesting, especially the Neuroscience and Applying Psychology classes (I’m looking forward to performing experiments in the labs later on in the semester).

I’ve been having thoughts about what to do for my dissertation which we start in January. I’m thinking about doing it on Autism (duh) but from what angle yet I’m not sure. So far I’ve been thinking about writing from a Neuroscience point of view. But that’s as far as I’ve got.

Hopefully, when the occasion arises when I have to start writing it I will be ready.

Xoxo

I need your help!

I am raising money for Support Dogs in Sheffield! They train and provide Therapy Dogs for both adults and children in the UK.

With an increase in demand for these wonderful dogs, that help with autism, epilepsy and other conditions, Support Dogs need every penny they can so they have the finances to purchase and have the time to train their animals so they can give those with Autism a better life!

Therapy Dogs provide a comfort and assistance while the individual is out in the community, as well as companionship while at home. As we autistics know very well that it can be very isolating.

So far I have raised £30. But I would like to raise more for this fantastic charity!

Please, help me reach my birthday goal for Support Dogs!

So it begins! 13/09/2019

So, I’ve decided to try and get strong and toned. According to my Personal Trainer I need to lose some weight first before we can get cracking on to the strength training.

I attended an assessment where he poked and prodded me and tested my flexibility. I was surprised by how I did though when it came to the sit ups and push ups. The average amount for a healthy individually to be able to do is 26. I managed to do 15 sit ups and 11 push ups and, honestly, I didn’t think I would be able to do one!

We then began forming a work out plan for the next 6 weeks. I’ve done one week already so I’m now down to 5 weeks.

Workout Plan- another one done!

I’m not someone who is constantly worried about what I look like. I’m actually a bit of a Tomboy. As long as I’m comfortable and my hair looks semi-decent I’m happy. But, I wanted to feel healthier. So far I do. I’ve cut back on sugar and I’m eating more protein and veggies, which I’m enjoying. I’ve found experimenting with meal prep and making weirdly healthy meals can be fun! I put Netflix on in the background and start grabbing whatever and just throw it together. Remembering to keep it low in sugar, fats but high in vegetables, greens, fruits and proteins!

I’ve found I sleep better after a workout day and I feel more emotionally stable. I have suffered with depression and anxiety a lot in my life but the increase in hormones with the exercise has lightened the load! I’m just taking it a day at a time and not kicking myself, or getting upset whenever I slip up and have a slice of cake. Let’s face it – my life would be miserable without it!

The gym I go to even has a women’s only area!

Super Leagues Grand Day Out…Blackpool 7th September 2019

Hey Folks!

I had my first game of the season yesterday and it was so much fun! Learning Difficulties teams around the UK came together for a Festival at Blackpool Sports Centre. We played against five teams and won two games, but in Tag Rugby it is an all inclusive sport and not competitive. Which means that we all play for the love, and fun, of it.

I had a blast and wanted to share the photos of my first game. Unfortunately, I joined at the end of the season, so our match this coming Friday against Wakefield Wildcats will be our last until next year. But I am going to use this spare time, around my studies, to get fit and work on my strength for when we start playing again.

Below are just a few photos of the day…

Castleford Tigers LDR Team

Every time I got the ball I started laughing…I honestly don’t know why
There were other women as well on other teams, but at the moment I’m the only woman in the Castleford LDR team. Hopefully, more will join next season

New Endeavour….

Well, it’s official! I am officially playing for the Castleford Tigers Foundation Learning Difficulties Rugby team!

So far, the training has been only one occasion and this Saturday we are going down to Blackpool to play against the other teams. I’m excited, but also nervous because I’ve only had one hour of training. So, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to train alone and look into hiring a Personal Trainer to help whip me into shape!

It’s not badly priced, I guess, it’s £20 a month and then £9 each time you go for the Personal Trainers time for 30 minutes. Which, to be honest, would be more than I can handle at the moment. But, for a starting point, and a trial run, I don’t think it’s half bad.

This is all so new to me, I haven’t been part of any sport since I was in little school and now being 28, soon to be 29, I’m worried my body is past it. But I’m determined to say “fuck you” to stereotypes and jump in head first and have fun! That’s what sport is all about anyway, right?

Winning or losing isn’t as important as the taking part and having fun, or so I’ve been told. However, I am highly competitive…shhh.

On my Instagram I am going to be adding photos of our escapades and outings and maybe some training too! The coach doesn’t know how to work social media so I thought I would help. It is a team full of autistics, dyslexics and other learning difficulties and, who knows, maybe it will inspire some more people to join! It’s a very supportive and happy group!

I will keep you updated! Xoxo

Body Positivity and Self Love…A Journey.

It took me a very long time to think of myself more than what people were telling me. Since I was a little girl, I craved my father’s approval. I craved it so bad I took on board everything he said about me. I was “too fat”, “too sensitive”, “too simple”, nothing I did seemed to change his mind. Nowadays, I couldn’t give a shit. I do me, and I live MY life the way I want to. But, back then, being young and impressionable: it can have a negative effect. Especially, when it comes from a source which you think should love you for you.

I went through years of bullying about my body, and about my personality. I was shy, quiet and lacked self confidence and the boys in my class thought I was strange. I would go hide in the English Department so they didn’t try to call me horrible names, or pull my hair and throw my hairband (or other hair accessory) out of the window so I would have to go get it. Which they often did with anything they could get their hands on. At this point I hated myself, my body and everything that I was. Looking back, if I could repeat the process or go back in time, I would kick the little shits in the nuts and tell them to stock the hairband where the sun doesn’t shine! Unfortunately, back then, I only spoke when spoken too and was way too shy to stand up for myself.

Since leaving that horrible school behind me and moving into adulthood, I have managed to come out of my shell. It has taken me a lot of years, and a fuck load of practice, but I can say that I can look myself in the eye every morning in the mirror and love who I am. Everything I have been through (which is a hell of a lot, but that’s a post for another day) has made me the person I am today, and I’m proud of her.

The loving of my body is something that I am still working on. It doesn’t take over night, but let’s face it: nothing does. Everything that means something in this world takes effort, hard work and time. Self love truly is one of the most time consuimg and difficult things to do when you have always looked at yourself negatively. But, baby steps, I have found, are the way to go when first starting out. Saying something nice to yourself about yourself, personality or about your body, works over time. You simply pick something out that you like about yourself and gradually you WILL feel a difference. Nowadays, I go to the gym for the endorphin rush and it’s not as often as I would like (I’m a busy woman these days) but I don’t feel like I’m there focusing on how I look. My cousin says that she will never have sex again, or get into a relationship, until she has lost weight….I think if someone doesn’t love you, every beautful part of you, then they are not worth sleeping with anyway. I certainly wouldn’t sleep with someone who doesn’t like me for me. But I am a picky bitch, now and then.

I suppose what I’m trying to get at is that your body is yours, and you are you and you should love who you are. There is only one of you, you are unique. One of a kind like a rare flower in a meadow in spring time. Stop putting yourself down because of what others think you should be. Eat the cake, go for that run because you want to not because you hate yourself, take time for yourself and explore wonderful things that make you feel good. Life is far too short to be permanantly on a yo-yo diet. There are experiences in this world that are far greater, there are loved ones who need your attention more and you are deserving of these things. You deserve everything good in this world. The bad doesn’t last forever, the tide always goes out. And when it comes in again you have beautiful, loving and wonderful people around you to bring the coast guard and the perfect cup of tea.

You’re body is amazing, it does so much for you. It’s beautiful, you’re beautiful.

Don’t forget it, beautiful reader! xoxo

Bloggy, blog, blog…

Hi I’m AutisttGirl and welcome to my blog!

Although I have another blog, I am using this blog here to let you know what is happening on that one (confusing I know!). In future I will probably upload links to my other blog posts.

Anyway! A little about me…I’m 28, British and an autistic queer, which I’m quite proud of. I love reading, video games and cake…so if anyone is after someone who is constantly eating salads and going to the gym everyday I’m probably not the girl for you. But, if you want a friend who is genuine, loyal and insanely passionate about autism awareness, body positivity no matter your size and LGBTQ+ issues, then absolutely feel free to take a look around!

So far, I have only began this blog and lately I have been trying to organise a YouTube channel and get my Instagram off the ground. After a bit of research I found that it isn’t popular for queer autistics to reach out and express themselves. Which I think is a shame, because we are valid and beautiful people with talents and passions just like everyone else : )

I did being my blog on Wix, however, I found that Wix didn’t grant me the community I was hoping for like WordPress does. WordPress has a range of topics and people from all backgrounds using its platform and I think, personally, my blog would benefit more from WordPress than Wix. Even though Wix has more customisation features. But, just like everything, never judge a book by its cover. So, I think in future WordPress if probably the way I will sway.

So, finally, this was just a little introduction to who I am, what I do and what to expect, I guess. I am currently working on a YouTube channel. I want to create a sort of creative community where we can all have fun and express our thoughts and creativity without a massive issue. The haters are going to hate, but that shouldn’t stop us! : )

Keep smiling gals and guys. xoxo

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