It took me a very long time to think of myself more than what people were telling me. Since I was a little girl, I craved my father’s approval. I craved it so bad I took on board everything he said about me. I was “too fat”, “too sensitive”, “too simple”, nothing I did seemed to change his mind. Nowadays, I couldn’t give a shit. I do me, and I live MY life the way I want to. But, back then, being young and impressionable: it can have a negative effect. Especially, when it comes from a source which you think should love you for you.
I went through years of bullying about my body, and about my personality. I was shy, quiet and lacked self confidence and the boys in my class thought I was strange. I would go hide in the English Department so they didn’t try to call me horrible names, or pull my hair and throw my hairband (or other hair accessory) out of the window so I would have to go get it. Which they often did with anything they could get their hands on. At this point I hated myself, my body and everything that I was. Looking back, if I could repeat the process or go back in time, I would kick the little shits in the nuts and tell them to stock the hairband where the sun doesn’t shine! Unfortunately, back then, I only spoke when spoken too and was way too shy to stand up for myself.
Since leaving that horrible school behind me and moving into adulthood, I have managed to come out of my shell. It has taken me a lot of years, and a fuck load of practice, but I can say that I can look myself in the eye every morning in the mirror and love who I am. Everything I have been through (which is a hell of a lot, but that’s a post for another day) has made me the person I am today, and I’m proud of her.
The loving of my body is something that I am still working on. It doesn’t take over night, but let’s face it: nothing does. Everything that means something in this world takes effort, hard work and time. Self love truly is one of the most time consuimg and difficult things to do when you have always looked at yourself negatively. But, baby steps, I have found, are the way to go when first starting out. Saying something nice to yourself about yourself, personality or about your body, works over time. You simply pick something out that you like about yourself and gradually you WILL feel a difference. Nowadays, I go to the gym for the endorphin rush and it’s not as often as I would like (I’m a busy woman these days) but I don’t feel like I’m there focusing on how I look. My cousin says that she will never have sex again, or get into a relationship, until she has lost weight….I think if someone doesn’t love you, every beautful part of you, then they are not worth sleeping with anyway. I certainly wouldn’t sleep with someone who doesn’t like me for me. But I am a picky bitch, now and then.
I suppose what I’m trying to get at is that your body is yours, and you are you and you should love who you are. There is only one of you, you are unique. One of a kind like a rare flower in a meadow in spring time. Stop putting yourself down because of what others think you should be. Eat the cake, go for that run because you want to not because you hate yourself, take time for yourself and explore wonderful things that make you feel good. Life is far too short to be permanantly on a yo-yo diet. There are experiences in this world that are far greater, there are loved ones who need your attention more and you are deserving of these things. You deserve everything good in this world. The bad doesn’t last forever, the tide always goes out. And when it comes in again you have beautiful, loving and wonderful people around you to bring the coast guard and the perfect cup of tea.
You’re body is amazing, it does so much for you. It’s beautiful, you’re beautiful.
Don’t forget it, beautiful reader! xoxo